2021 was when I became 100% that bitch* who got sick, tired, and ready for change. Looking back, I’m grateful for those hella hard days where I could barely get out of bed. Those days were not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. A desire to feel better drove me to seek out doctors and prioritize myself.
Dr. Gabor Mate and his book “When the Body Says No” made me a believer in the mind-body connection. I also realized I had been re-living aspects of my unhappy childhood in my marriage. Could my physical woes be the result of that unresolved trauma, squelching my voice and needs? I think so.
Mid-July, I returned to an old (new) job, left my husband, and found a “starting over” apartment all within the span of two weeks. My mom also got hospitalized a month earlier and this lead me to find a place closer to Baltimore.
I’m super grateful for steady, reliable, well-paying work. However, the commute has been exhausting, peopling is hard, and the work doesn’t jive with what I believe I’m here to do. I buck up against this idea regularly and it just tires me out. This job has been one big lesson for me. I appreciate that.
When life feels hard, I remind myself that I’m showing my kids how to do hard things. My children’s weekday presence is another instance of things are not as I want them to be. I tire myself out resisting. But alas, this is my “Let go kitty” period, and learning to tame my internal resistance is part of my work.
Path to Healthier Me
“In 2021, I’m so f*cking excited about the prospect of trying CrossFit (when safe) and riding a bike for the first-time in 25+years.”Becky, 2020 Retrospective.
I’ve lost about 95 pounds since October 2020 (SW: 345 lbs; CW: 248 lbs). It’s not the pounds lost, but it’s my willingness to push through self-doubt and self-criticism that’s the bigger win.
- Guess who now owns a bike and also remembered how to ride?! Me! This might sound minor, but this was a huge accomplishment for me. For much of my adult life, I exceeded the 300lb weight limit for most bikes. Also, I didn’t believe I remembeed how to ride a bike or it was something I could physically do.
- I didn’t make it to Cross-Fit, but I started working out with a personal trainer and discovered the most amazing emotional releases from working out at OrangeTheory Fitness. You kinda do Cross-Fit things at OrangeTheory.
Lessons (In Progress)
- I have a fixed mindset about a slew of things (how I handles stress and view my abilities)
- I can do hard things
- I can be co-dependent AF and I need to constantly remind myself that I’m not responsible for other people’s thoughts or feelings.
Last year, I prioritized my health (sickness has a way of doing that), l practiced self-care and continued questioning beliefs and narratives that have never served me. Hopefully, I do these things every year for the rest of my life.
- Developing habits that support an intentional life. I also want to transition to my kids spending weekdays with by the summer break. This involves me re-working my work situation. Additionally, I want to see act like someone who value wellness, writing, and my kids. The other things are mostly filler.
- More practically, I want to bullet journal and get more focused with how I spend my time. I also want to blog more or a job that enables me to work on my writing craft
Lastly, let’s cover some metrics.